Bipolar and life

I am fully aware of my condition.

I am an extreme manic bipolar.

I am not medicated.

Sometimes I can't adhere to life. My swings are worse than the bravest daredevil. No matter how much I try to control them, I can't. No matter how much I try to control my thoughts, I can't. No matter how much I try not to view something as it is, I can't.

And that's alright.

The reason I try not to view something as it is, is because I know that's how it's meant to be viewed. I don't want my thoughts controlled because I wouldn't be able to write. My swings are well, wish those could be controlled.

It is not that I don't trust myself, it's I don't trust others. In some ways I don't trust myself because of the reasons of why I don't trust others.

I'm blunt and many hate my ways for that. I would rather a sin than live a holy lie. At the end of the night, I don't regret anything I've done.

The thing I've realized, my condition is getting worse. I've come to terms with that. It does scare me in a way. I don't want to be like this. But I'm even more scared to change.

Why? Because I love myself for who I am. Would I be changing for who I am? Or would I be changing because it's how the world wants to see? That question I don't have the answer to yet.

I was proud to admit that I passed the depression side. However, I haven't. I wasn't fooling myself. It's just how things are. I want to cry but not for the reasons one would think. Or even be able to comprehend. I want to cry because the story is at a standstill.

Writing is all I am. If I can't write, I feel like a failure. I need to overcome that by myself. Here's to step one...not sure what that step is yet. But I will work on it. Right after I complete the next 75 stories...