The Birth of an Author (Bi-polar)

I was never in denial. I was always told there was something wrong. Seeing therapist after therapist, medication after medication, I knew there was nothing in modern science that could help.

I wasn’t myself when I was on the medications. I was a drone that went along with the flow. That wasn’t me. I was beginning to lose all focus of how I perceived the world. I stopped taking my medications.

I refused to see the world how they wanted me to see it. If I couldn’t see it for what it was, then why was it worth living?

I was diagnosed too early to remember. I do remember when I was on the pills, the teachers loved it. I wasn’t vocal and I sat there pretending to pay attention. My friends hated it because they said I wasn’t scared of anything. I would be more daring and live life on the edge.

My grades started to suffer. Which made me even more depressed because I felt like I couldn’t do anything right. Several attempts at suicide, feeling even more of a failure because I couldn’t succeed at that. I gave up.

I made everyone believe I was taking my medicine. I was a great actress. I played the part as though I was on the happy pills. During each session, they said I was doing better and making great progress. I went about my business and lived life. For the most part, I was happy. When they learned, I wasn’t on my medicines; they changed their tone and said they knew it.

I called bullshit and said then why go years in saying I was making progress. They didn’t like that. I pissed off a lot of people because I didn’t fit into the norm of the disease. Back then, I didn’t know what the importance was for them wanting (needing) me to be on happy pills. When they clearly saw I wasn’t happy.

I will admit, by looking back, I had (and still have) highs and lows. But, not according to how they say I should have them. Wouldn’t you be pissed off if you couldn’t go on a much anticipated school trip because your-so-called best friend told a lie? Wouldn’t you pissed off if you found out that your fiancé was having an affair with your best-friend? Wouldn’t you be pissed off if you worked your ass off at a job and you were fired because of discrimination?

They acted like my life should be nothing but a kid amusement park. They acted like I shouldn’t be upset – ever!